We haven’t yet done much cycling this year; the weather has been so bad. Thank goodness for the David Lloyd
In previous years we have endeavoured to be exceptionally cliquey and to talk to as few people as possible. People shouldn’t take it personally, we’re just like that.
Having said that we all assiduous students of human behaviour. John sees a wide variety of different types of people in his job down at the abattoir as do I at the ballet. Clive talks to everybody as he travels up and down the country painting pillar boxes
Because of that and because of the fact that I have done 13 rides (this will be my 14th) I feel I am in a unique position to offer advice on how to be popular on a bike ride
Tips for popularity—everyone wants to be popular-here is a list of ways to achieve this objective
1) Complain loudly at every opportunity “I am not sleeping in there, in conditions like this, with those people” or “I insist on a better room” are speeches which will endear you to everyone. Here is clearly not a person to be tangled with.
2) Tell everyone how much money you made last year. They will also need to hear about your new Mercedes/ Ferrari or whatever. People like to be associated with success and will follow you about
3) Never miss an opportunity to do your Frank Spencer impression. Your mother thinks it’s hilarious, everyone else will too.
4) Cycle straight past people who have fallen off their bikes and are bleeding copiously. After all you’re not a doctor, what can you do?
5) Write a witty song for the end of ride concert—something on the lines of “We cycled up a hill, it was a big thrill” Uncle Hyman thought it was great when you tried it out on him at home, everyone else will too. Uncle Hyman needs a new battery for his hearing aid, he forgot to tell you.
6) Write an email home starting “ begin worrying , details to follow” ,
7) Show the security people at the airport just how clever and witty you are. Security people are known for their great sense of humour, share yours with them.
8) Carry a suitcase through security for that nice hippy you just met. We must all do a good deed every day. After all those bags of white powder may only be sherbet and he did look tired.
9) Remind everyone you meet how much better things ran when the British were here
And to close should anyone wish to take advantage of our great depth of experience and knowledge please ask us anything you like through the comments section of the blog.
As a general guide we can offer information on—
How best to sit on a saddle for a week to avoid permanent damage (male version) Sorry we can’t help girls
How baby oil can help
What to do if EVERYONE takes an instant dislike to you.
Escaping from enraged villagers.
Why it is important to get to all meals ahead of the crowd.
Sore nipples can hurt, what can you do about them?
I am single and the wrong side of thirty; my mother is giving me grief. What are the chances of my finding a spouse on the trip?
And much, much more.
Including more in our series of handy Swahili phrases.
You will be able to use the following on virtually every day we spend in the bush—
“Mie haja kwa choo bali ole mie awze one ni cha kubwa mawe”
Simply translated this means—
‘I need a toilet but all I can see is a large boulder’
Then simply stand back and wait for the answer.
It may, however, be prudent not to use the ‘lavatory of the open air’
I tried this in a park in St Petersburg last summer and was promptly arrested. My how we laughed
Clive felt the urge to make a contribution to the blog for which he has my eternal gratitude
To dip or not to dip, by Clive
We had a very lovely training ride yesterday around parts of North Yorkshire.This was preceded on John’s part by a huge curry and on my part by a significant volume of wine (both consumed on Saturday evening, before you think that we advocate this as our version of ‘carbo-loading’ as they say in professional cycling circles).
As is typical with us, the conversation on our rides meanders as much as the route: much of what was discussed is either sub-judice or non-PC and not for general consumption (i.e., we ride in areas frequented by females on horseback) but one topic of relevance to new riders in particular cropped up - saddle soreness.
In the run-up to the South Africa ride in 2008 I recall being on a ride to York with the guys and asked the innocent question – what do you use to alleviate arse-pain? A typical cyclist’s question, I thought. I was of course referring to brands of chamois cream, or what we now call ‘bike-schmeer’. Apparently I was the only one who had to that point discovered the delights of having something akin to Utterly-Butterly applied to my nether regions: but it does help. John became a convert quicker than his response to “fancy a pint on the way home”. Gary refused to even entertain the concept, claiming that body cream of any sort is strictly for girls.
Two weeks later we were in South Africa – a fantastic Norwood ride in every respect.
If you look closely, as long as you’re not too squeamish, there’s a pic of John standing, well actually squatting, behind the bike truck, mid-application: the relief is palpable even in the photo. Spare a thought for me though – I was standing next to him as this was happening.
On that ride a number of first-time schmeerers benefitted, but it did raise one key moral dilemma – to offer your tub of cream to others or not.
I expect it to be fairly hot in Kenya, and possibly even hotter inside a pair of cycling shorts after a morning’s exertions.
We all know and love the camaraderie which quickly builds up on a Norwood ride, but don’t some things need to be kept to you?
So, feel free to ask to share my gear, but no double-dipping please.
